Wanted: A Date for Star Wars Episode 7

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So it’s official… I have been shunned by my family for being the nerd that I am. Insert long, lonely sigh here.

In a little less than two months, Star Wars Episode VIII – The Force Awakens will premiere in movie theaters around the globe. And in all likelihood, I will be surround by a packed crowd all by my lonesome.

My wife, as amazing as she is, is honestly too cool for me. I don’t know how I lucked out, but damn. Sometimes it helps. She knows what’s “in”, and despite my best efforts, keeps me from leaving the house looking like a kindergartner who dressed himself.

However, there are other times, as is this case, where that’s a bad thing. Sorry babe. Any time I’ve mentioned going to this movie, I get the “What about so and so….?” I get it, you don’t want to go. But did I want to go watch the soft-core porn known as 50 Shades of Grey? Well, sort of. But not at all for the story (I mean come on, have you actually read that book from a literary point of view?) Did I begrudgingly sit by your side on Valentines Day, hoping that all this gratuitous nudity and flogging would somehow turn you on, and work out in my favor later that night? Okay, yeah, you’re right, there was that.

But seriously, this is probably the one movie we could go to where you wouldn’t have to worry about me whipping out my lightsaber afterwards. I have a feeling that this is what it felt like to see the original movies in the theaters back in the day. If the anticipation and excitement that has built up over the last three years since Disney acquired the rights to Star Wars, and promised a new trilogy is any indication, my nerdgasm will be in full effect.

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But sadly, I can’t even place the blame solely on her. My awesome, super-nerdy 6 year old daughter has rejected me too. The same kid who has spent the last 3-4 years carefully playing with my own Star Wars action figure collection, and has seen the original trilogy, the bastardized prequel trilogy, the Clone Wars movie, and entire series, and was absolutely fascinated by the first season of Star Wars Rebels has declined my offer to take her along. I have failed as a nerdy father. I’m beginning to think she has been using me for my toys all along.

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The Complete Beginner’s Guide to Daddy Rage

Probably gonna catch some heat from other parents over this, but those moms & dads that pretend they’ve never had the same thoughts are what we call “full of shit.”

With that out of the way, I do absolutely love my kids, and would do anything in the world for them. I have 2 adorable, very intelligent girls, ages 6 & 2. For the sake of this post, we’ll call them, Thing 1 and Thing 2.

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And most days they’re fine; just your normal, every day kids doing normal, every day kid things. But then there are those days. And as a parent, you never know when it’s going to be one of those days, until it’s too late. They typically start out as any other day. The kiddos eat breakfast, they’re being sweet, playing together quietly, sharing, and listening to you.

Then around lunch time, something happens. It’s that part of the day where someone (other than yourself) needs a nap, and starts to get a little whiny, and decides they’re not going to eat lunch. Or wear pants. Or do anything without having a minor meltdown. And then in starts…

Phase One: The “Come On Guys”

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You try to be nice, almost passive-aggressive about it to begin with. “Thing 1, quit pulling on Sissy.” “Thing 2, quit jumping on the couch.” “Don’t play with that, Thing 1.” “Let your sister see that.” “Quit jumping from the ottoman to the couch, Thing 2.” “Quiet down, please.”

Then you repeat yourself. Like, every 5 minutes (or less). Sigh. The exasperation has already kicked in. You just want more than 90 consecutive seconds of peace. But no. That’s just ridiculous. You don’t need peace and quiet. You don’t need to complete a thought. Do lion tamers in the circus have time to think? No. Thinking is for pansies. If you stop to think, they’ll eat you alive… You got this, you tell yourself.

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